This one is from my first boat about a certain Ensign who was a little on the heavy side. Little, who am I kidding, he shattered the height weight standards, and was in fact ordered by the Captain to skip desserts. His solution was to stash all kinds of candy in his rack, so much candy that we gave him the nick name Choco' Boy. This is to the tune of "Baby's Got Back" by Sir Mixalot. Here goes
I like Chocolate, and I cannot lie
I really just can't deny
That I'm the Ensign with a Hershey's Kiss
Or a Snickers in my face
I get sprung, gotta pull up tough
'Cause you noticed my face is stuffed
Full of the candy I'm eatin'
And I just can't help repeating
Oh Baby Ruth
I wanna get witchya
Every time I see your picture
My CO tried to scorn me
But that yellow cake got
Me so hungry
The guys said hey there Ensign
You say you want chocolate again
well chew it, chew it
But on the surface you'll spew it
I don't like dancin'
to candy I'm Charles Manson
Sweat, bet I eat Hersheys
Like a Turbo 'Vette
I'm tired of Magazines
Saying Diets are the thing
Give me a Kit Kat
I'm Down with that
and I pack much back
So fella's, yeah, fella's yeah
Do I have a big ol' butt
Hell yeah,
Watch me Shake it, No, shake it, no
Shake my big ol' butt
Choco's got back
That is all for now more later...
Monday, November 24, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
My 3 Year Old Cracks Me Up
While trying to render assistance to my youngest in the bathroom I discovered that the toilet paper was not coming off the roll properly. Upon further investigation I found the cause to be a large glob of toothpaste on the edge of the roll causing it to stick together.
"Who could have done this?" I inquired to which I was quickly met with the reply "It wasn't me."
I chuckled and said back to her "This has your name written all over it."
She looked up at me and as sincerely as possible said "Somebody else must have written it."
I tell you that girl is quick.
"Who could have done this?" I inquired to which I was quickly met with the reply "It wasn't me."
I chuckled and said back to her "This has your name written all over it."
She looked up at me and as sincerely as possible said "Somebody else must have written it."
I tell you that girl is quick.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I'm Sorry I Defend Their Freedom of Speech
'Why Believe in a God?' Ad Campaign Launches on D.C. Buses
Ads proclaiming, "Why believe in a god? Just be good for goodness' sake," will appear on Washington, D.C., buses starting next week and running through December. The American Humanist Association unveiled the provocative $40,000 holiday ad campaign Tuesday.
Don't these people have something better to spend their money on? Don't they realize that the money they are spending has "In God We Trust" on it? They want "under God" taken out of the Pledge of Allegiance and "Christ" taken out of Christmas. Will they want me to change my name to Opher, so that I will no longer offend someone or am I just being ridiculous now?
Here is another quote from the story. "We are trying to reach our audience, and sometimes in order to reach an audience, everybody has to hear you," said Fred Edwords, spokesman for the humanist group. "Our reason for doing it during the holidays is there are an awful lot of agnostics, atheists and other types of non-theists who feel a little alone during the holidays because of its association with traditional religion."
"Everybody has to hear you" and people think bible thumpers are pushy. At least they don't take on $40,000 dollar add campaigns pushing their views on everyone. Maybe all those agnostics, atheists and other types of non-theists feel a little alone because they don't go to Church and share fellowship with other people. There is a reason that the holidays are associated with traditional religion, because it is meant to be the celebration of the birth of Jesus. If you don't believe in God or Jesus, then maybe you shouldn't believe in the holidays either.
Ads proclaiming, "Why believe in a god? Just be good for goodness' sake," will appear on Washington, D.C., buses starting next week and running through December. The American Humanist Association unveiled the provocative $40,000 holiday ad campaign Tuesday.
Don't these people have something better to spend their money on? Don't they realize that the money they are spending has "In God We Trust" on it? They want "under God" taken out of the Pledge of Allegiance and "Christ" taken out of Christmas. Will they want me to change my name to Opher, so that I will no longer offend someone or am I just being ridiculous now?
Here is another quote from the story. "We are trying to reach our audience, and sometimes in order to reach an audience, everybody has to hear you," said Fred Edwords, spokesman for the humanist group. "Our reason for doing it during the holidays is there are an awful lot of agnostics, atheists and other types of non-theists who feel a little alone during the holidays because of its association with traditional religion."
"Everybody has to hear you" and people think bible thumpers are pushy. At least they don't take on $40,000 dollar add campaigns pushing their views on everyone. Maybe all those agnostics, atheists and other types of non-theists feel a little alone because they don't go to Church and share fellowship with other people. There is a reason that the holidays are associated with traditional religion, because it is meant to be the celebration of the birth of Jesus. If you don't believe in God or Jesus, then maybe you shouldn't believe in the holidays either.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Congratulations Mr. President (elect)
Now that I am over my disappointment of my candidate not winning the election I offer my congratulations to the next President Barack Obama. I will say that I was moved by his acceptance speech and will do my part to support him because that is what I took an oath to do. I feel I did my part(I actually voted this time) and it did not work out the way I would have liked, but we move on. I do not envy him in the tough road ahead. It takes a special kind of person to know that the job you desire will be the hardest, most thankless job anyone could ever have and still be willing to do it. I want to be proven wrong about my doubts of his abilities. Our country needs this Presidency to succeed, so I urge everyone to look past petty differences and give him a chance. Senator McCain said "My next President" (in a very classy secession speech I might add) and I think that sums it up nicely.
PS- I am not an English major, so if I used secession out of context please forgive me.
PPS-The actual word I should have used is concession.
PS- I am not an English major, so if I used secession out of context please forgive me.
PPS-The actual word I should have used is concession.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Bad Halloween Costumes
Some (bad) ideas for Halloween
Get a laptop computer to carry around and simply state that you are an Internet predator. What is more scary than that.
Carry around a video camera and some T-shirts and tell people you are with Girls gone wild.
Jeffery Dahmer, or the John Wayne Gacy clown.
The transvestite from "The Crying Game"
Wear a whip cream bikini like the one in "Varsity Blues"
Carry around some sports memorabilia, black one of your eyes with makeup and say that OJ kicked your ass and wants his stuff back.
Carry around a fake bomb, wear an Obama for president shirt and say you are Bill Ayers.
John McCain's skin cancer. (Not sure how to pull that one off)
Get a realistic looking dildo, cut off and carry just the top inch and a half covered in fake blood and say that you were following to close behind Lorena Bobbit.
Spill whiskey on yourself, put on some hand cuffs, make several anti-semetic remarks and say you are Mel Gibson.
As I said in the beginning, these are all bad ideas for Halloween costumes and I don't actually recommend them to anyone, just like I would not recommend that Great White do a cover of the Talking Heads "Burning Down the House" it would be bad form.
Get a laptop computer to carry around and simply state that you are an Internet predator. What is more scary than that.
Carry around a video camera and some T-shirts and tell people you are with Girls gone wild.
Jeffery Dahmer, or the John Wayne Gacy clown.
The transvestite from "The Crying Game"
Wear a whip cream bikini like the one in "Varsity Blues"
Carry around some sports memorabilia, black one of your eyes with makeup and say that OJ kicked your ass and wants his stuff back.
Carry around a fake bomb, wear an Obama for president shirt and say you are Bill Ayers.
John McCain's skin cancer. (Not sure how to pull that one off)
Get a realistic looking dildo, cut off and carry just the top inch and a half covered in fake blood and say that you were following to close behind Lorena Bobbit.
Spill whiskey on yourself, put on some hand cuffs, make several anti-semetic remarks and say you are Mel Gibson.
As I said in the beginning, these are all bad ideas for Halloween costumes and I don't actually recommend them to anyone, just like I would not recommend that Great White do a cover of the Talking Heads "Burning Down the House" it would be bad form.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Inspired by the Onion
As you can see from my links I like the Onion and thought of this headline in my sick little mind.
32 Year Old Woman Poses as 11 Year Old Boy to Meet Men Her Age.
Peoria, IL--Samantha Stevens was tired of meeting the same losers on her favorite dating website, so after watching an episode of Dateline she came up with a new idea to meet men her age. She presented herself as 11 year old Timmy Richardson on the social networking site MySpace and before long she had arranged meetings with several lonely men looking for companionship.
"I was really surprised by all the responses," Samantha was quoted as saying. "It is really interesting who you can find on the web these days. I've already had "dates" with a school teacher and a local fireman. I even met a youth minister, but broke off the date because that was just a little too weird."
Stevens also noted that most of the men were somewhat disappointed when they discovered her charade but were pleasantly relieved that she was not actually Chris Hansen.
32 Year Old Woman Poses as 11 Year Old Boy to Meet Men Her Age.
Peoria, IL--Samantha Stevens was tired of meeting the same losers on her favorite dating website, so after watching an episode of Dateline she came up with a new idea to meet men her age. She presented herself as 11 year old Timmy Richardson on the social networking site MySpace and before long she had arranged meetings with several lonely men looking for companionship.
"I was really surprised by all the responses," Samantha was quoted as saying. "It is really interesting who you can find on the web these days. I've already had "dates" with a school teacher and a local fireman. I even met a youth minister, but broke off the date because that was just a little too weird."
Stevens also noted that most of the men were somewhat disappointed when they discovered her charade but were pleasantly relieved that she was not actually Chris Hansen.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Identy Theft (I Can Buy My Gas with Your Credit Card)
This is another original that has nothing to do with boats. It is to the tune of "Handlebars" by the Flobots. Here goes, enjoy.
i can buy my gas with your credit card
your credit card
your credit card
i can buy my gas with your credit card
your credit card
your credit card
look at me, look at me
hands in your trash like it's good to be
alive
and i'm a dirty bastard who knows how to steal your identity
took square dance to learn to do-si-do
bought turntables just to scratch a record
bought a universal remote control
and paid van halen to get back together
i can buy a yacht in the keys and then
buy a new phone a sony ericsson
i bought the rights to "de colores"
and "i'm proud to be an american"
me and my friend bought a platypus
and then someone said that’s ridiculous
and I said no its not
i can buy anything that i want cuz, look
i can change identities into my own
into my own
into my own
and i can make my calls on your telephone
on your telephone
on your telephone
look at me look at me
just had your mail addressed to me
arrive
it’s such a small world
your credits jacked up it’s Lifelock you need
i can take your money down to a thrift store
i can subscribe to dirty magazines
i bought a used nintendo sixty four
just to play killer instinct gold see
i can buy wowee toy robotics
i can have computers control my living conditions
i know how to scam a business
i can use your name to buy a product
phishing scams on your computer
me and my friends we can ruin your future
i buy surround sound theater systems
i can buy anything with no resistance cuz
i can call all nations with my new iphone
with my new iphone
with my new iphone
and i can have somebody install a new pool
install a new pool
install a new pool
look at me look at me
stealing and i won't stop
and it feels so good to charge
your credit to the top
my market is global
my tom tom is sure
your ruin is total
my paypal is yours
i can go on a million posh vacations
or give all my friends a new play station
use computer porn for masturbation
that’s some real high tech ejaculation
i can get massages with happy endings
just because i sure like'em
and i can maybe even go charter fishing
i have your credit cards in my hand
so i can get direct tv by satellite
by satellite
by satellite
and i can go to target buy a telescope
buy a telescope
buy a telescope
and i can keep on spending don’t care what it costs
don’t care what it costs
don’t care what it costs
don’t care what it costs
don’t care what it costs
don’t care what it costs
i can buy my gas with your credit card
your credit card
your credit card
i can buy my gas with your credit card
your credit card
your credit card
i can buy my gas with your credit card
your credit card
your credit card
i can buy my gas with your credit card
your credit card
your credit card
look at me, look at me
hands in your trash like it's good to be
alive
and i'm a dirty bastard who knows how to steal your identity
took square dance to learn to do-si-do
bought turntables just to scratch a record
bought a universal remote control
and paid van halen to get back together
i can buy a yacht in the keys and then
buy a new phone a sony ericsson
i bought the rights to "de colores"
and "i'm proud to be an american"
me and my friend bought a platypus
and then someone said that’s ridiculous
and I said no its not
i can buy anything that i want cuz, look
i can change identities into my own
into my own
into my own
and i can make my calls on your telephone
on your telephone
on your telephone
look at me look at me
just had your mail addressed to me
arrive
it’s such a small world
your credits jacked up it’s Lifelock you need
i can take your money down to a thrift store
i can subscribe to dirty magazines
i bought a used nintendo sixty four
just to play killer instinct gold see
i can buy wowee toy robotics
i can have computers control my living conditions
i know how to scam a business
i can use your name to buy a product
phishing scams on your computer
me and my friends we can ruin your future
i buy surround sound theater systems
i can buy anything with no resistance cuz
i can call all nations with my new iphone
with my new iphone
with my new iphone
and i can have somebody install a new pool
install a new pool
install a new pool
look at me look at me
stealing and i won't stop
and it feels so good to charge
your credit to the top
my market is global
my tom tom is sure
your ruin is total
my paypal is yours
i can go on a million posh vacations
or give all my friends a new play station
use computer porn for masturbation
that’s some real high tech ejaculation
i can get massages with happy endings
just because i sure like'em
and i can maybe even go charter fishing
i have your credit cards in my hand
so i can get direct tv by satellite
by satellite
by satellite
and i can go to target buy a telescope
buy a telescope
buy a telescope
and i can keep on spending don’t care what it costs
don’t care what it costs
don’t care what it costs
don’t care what it costs
don’t care what it costs
don’t care what it costs
i can buy my gas with your credit card
your credit card
your credit card
i can buy my gas with your credit card
your credit card
your credit card
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