Wife is Estatic Her Husband has Found Jesus

Pastor Fighting to Stay in Massage Business After Charges He Ran 'Heaven Spa' Prostitution House

Arizona attorneys say an Arizona pastor should be barred from the massage business after authorities reportedly discovered that he was running a house of prostitution under the guise of a church.

According to the Arizona Daily Star, Pastor John LaVoie of the Church of Liberty in Tucson, Ariz., ran a day-spa where he claims his female "angel" staff was merely “laying hands”(and numerous other body parts) — a traditional Christian healing practice — on patrons.
But authorities say that employees at the Angel’s Heaven Relaxation Spa were hardly doing holy work and were instead selling sex, the Star reported.
But LaVoie is fighting the charges by citing his constitutional guarantees freedom of religion.

Halleluiah, I'm going to that church.

I'm betting Bill Clinton and the Governor of New York are members of his congregation.

Ripped from the headlines

U.S. Navy converges on kidnapping pirates

CNN) -- Several U.S. navy ships have converged near a Ukrainian cargo ship, seized last week by pirates off the coast of Somalia, a navy official told CNN Monday.

Lt. Nathan Christensen said the ships, including the USS Howard, were working toward the safe release of the seized ship, which is loaded with Soviet-era tanks and weapons. He further went on to add that if peaceful negotiations could not be reached, the Navy would also consider "blowing that sucker out of the water" to prevent the weapons falling into the wrong hands.

The navy ships were not involved in negotiations between the pirates and the shipping company, he said.

The pirates, who Christensen said were "loitering on and around the ship," have lowered their ransom demand from $35 million to $20 million. They also requested 16 men on a dead man's chest, a bottle of rum, and the release of Captain Jack Sparrow.

The pirates hijacked the ship Faina off the coast of Somalia on Thursday. The ship was headed to the Kenyan port of Mombasa after departing from Nikolayev, Ukraine, and was seized not far from its destination after being overtaken by the Flying Dutchman and the Black Pearl.

The Kenyan government said Sunday it had not been contacted by the hijackers.

Rashid Abdi, an independent Horn of Africa analyst with the International Crisis Group, said the pirates have been making their ransom demands in interviews with media outlets. They have also discussed selling the movie rights to Jerry Bruckheimer and have proposed a Pirates of the Horn of Africa themed ride at Euro Disney.

"The pirates are very clever and well connected," Abdi said. "They know the importance of using the media to put forward their side of the story."

A spokesman for the pirates who was reached by sattelite phone had this to say. "Arr, ravage, pillage, plunder, maim and put big hickeys on all the fair damsels, arrr!"

Stalking You

This is a totally new original, that has nothing to do with boats whatsoever. It is to the tune of Blue October's "Calling You". Here it goes, enjoy

I'm that creepy guy stalking again,
I'm so obsessed with you,
You never take that away,
And if I followed a hundred times before,
Expect a thousand more,
You never take that away
Well expect me to be calling you to see,
If your home before I come around,
Asking if you love me,
I don't care if you turn me down,
Calling you to see,
Do I try to hard to make you mine,
To make you mine,
Well I will keep stalking you to see,
If you're sleeping are you naked,
If you're naked just how much can I see,
I can't believe you called the cops on me.
I wrote you a love letter the day,
(I'm so hard sometimes)
The court order came through,
(Then came two, then came two)
So I threw it away
(Why are you so difficult, you have to be so difficult)
You pull open the blinds,
And I'm watching you,
And I feel my manhood rise,
When I peek in at you,
So while I'm on this phone,
A jail cells now my home,
You'll take the gifts I gave,
And send them back it's true,
I only want to see,
If your home before I come around,
Asking if you love me,
I don't care if you turn me down,
Calling you to see,
Do I try to hard to make you mine,
To make you mine,
I will keep stalking you to see,
If you're sleeping are you naked,
If you're naked just how much can I see,
I can't believe you called the cops on me.

So I will keep stalking you to see,
If you're sleeping are you naked,
If you're naked just how much can I see,
I can't believe you called the cops on me.

I will keep stalking you to see,
If you're sleeping are you naked,
If you're naked just how much can I see,
I can't believe you called the cops on me.

That's all for now, more later...

The Wrong Way

This one is about the individual that inspired the previous post. I changed the name(slightly) just on the off chance that someone he works with might read this and make fun of him. It is to the tune of "Wrong Way" by Sublime. Enjoy...

Waldo’s 24 he don’t shower any more
Nobody ever told him it’s the wrong way.
Don’t be afraid,
‘cause with Febreze he’s been sprayed
He’ll still never get laid
it’s the wrong way
Used all the stick ups I had to give
But His stench really makes it hard to live
A big dip slobber is running down his chin
And it makes me bout throw-up
I never wanted
A big fat dip pressed between his lips
But I'm staring at his zits
It's the wrong way
Strong if I can, but I am only a man
So I puke in the trash can
It's the wrong way
The only dating option he’s ever had
Is a jar of Vaseline and a porno mag
He has some toothpaste
but it isn’t for his teeth,
It’s for cleaning off the spooge
from his laptop PC
Happy no I’m sad, wanna leave here bad
I'll do anything I can
It's the wrong way
On watch all night, his smell isn’t right
Hope that spit bottle’s capped tight
It was the wrong way
Can’t run away I don’t wanna stay
I’m stuck in this watch section, oh no
It's only two, four more hours what to do
Spend some time in Maneuvering
Nub style!
Used all the stick ups I had to give
But His stench really makes it hard to live
A big dip slobber is running down his chin
And it makes me bout throw-up
I never wanted
Wanna run away
And I'm sorry when I say, that straight to this very day
It was the wrong way
Stuck in the box
it don't matter if I like it or not
Because no matter what
he still smells the wrong way
Gave all the Head and Shoulders I had to give
But he still wouldn't take it, oh no
His big old head is scaly like a fish
And it makes me bout throw-up
I never wanted

Febreze

This one goes out to all the stinky people who choose not to shower when underway. I will provide you with some helpful hygiene tips observed on boat #2.

Offgoing drills and oncoming training got you down. No time to hit the showers before going to the rack. No worries, just spritz yourself down with a little Febreze. Be sure to keep your eyes shut when spraying near your face because that shit burns. But hey, temporary blindness is a small price to pay to prevent the painful jeers of your shipmates who have noticed your oppressive body odor. You can also save time on your laundry, just lay all your clothes on your rack and spray away. Your laundry may not be clean, but at least it won't smell like a cat mistook your clothes for a litter box.

Febreze, makes me feel fine
Showering just takes up so much ti-i-i-ime!

Prout's Song

This one is about a guy who forgot his entire CD collection in his car with the exception of the one CD he had in his CD player when he brought it down to the boat before an underway. It happened to be the second Creed CD "Human Clay". That is why this song is to the tune of "With Arms Wide Open" by Creed. Here goes...

Well I just heard, the Creed CD
The only one, I brought with me
I close my eyes, begin to pray
I can borrow some, this underway
I hate this CD
I've heard it 40 times
I've heard it so damn much
It's burned into my mind
I hate this CD

I know it's short but I only ever made up the first verse. Maybe some day I will expound on it but probably not.
That's all for now, more later...

A day in the box

I just found an old pocket brain from my second boat in which I jotted down some notes about how the watch was going that day.

1807--Coulston not watching panel, and again at 1808 (x4)
1809--Stevie Six Fingers takes long time for logs
1810--LTJG Valdespino tells another Uncle Stevo gook whore story. Frank molests RO. Coulston looks away from panel again (x3)
1811--Coulston uses pump noise monitor excuse to not watch panel. Hogue enters maneuvering to clean, his head is no longer oozing
1812--Sound transient Franks gut. Hogue completes after watch cleanup. Jones enters and gives. Mr. Valdespino is still talking.
1813--Frank grabs RO's crank
1814--Amp hour meter clicks scares Coulston again. Coulston uses checking for expected conditions excuse to not watch panel.
1815--Nevitt ponders the possibility of knocking someones jizz out of their ass by punching them in the junk.
1816--Coulston faces away from other watch standers providing no watch team backup. Uses the Frank cleaning excuse, then looks away from panel again.
1818--RO notes Coulston's neck beard needs a trim, Coulston replies "It's not as bad as Parker's"
1820--Coulston looks nervous. Throttleman U/I says watching Coulston is like watching Wild Kingdom. From the RO's angle it appears that Frank is orally pleasuring Coulston. Valdespino appologizes for Coulster nickname.
1821--RO asks for head from Frank then refuses advances vehemently
1822--Old fart with old balls and warts enters maneuvering
1823--RO still being molested. Old fart with old balls leaves
1824--Coulston chuckles about not looking at his panel and not getting caught, then gets caught
1825--Frank offers to polish RO's knob, then grabs RO's junk
1826--Prout runs scared, offers his U/I to take his place. U/I is very nervous. Coulston looks away from his panel again.
1827--Nevitt brings up Uncle Stevo's snakes Fred and Barney, now Mr. Valdespino will not shut up. Thanks, Nevitt.
1828--Frank tries to lube U/I with simple green, man is that cold. Frank leaves.
1829--See first entry. Coulston laughs through nose. Too many Coulston looking away from
panels to count.
1830--Fred and Barney reference did not cause Mr. Valdespino to chatter endlessly about them.

That was the last entry so I think we were getting ready for qual drills and I stopped writing. Anyway, to my one faithful reader, enjoy.
That's all for now, more later...

Email from Obama

I recieved an email from Barrack Obama this morning, not actually from him personally even though it said his name in the sender. I was told in the email that Ken Rove said John McCain went to far in one of his ads. This is the same Ken Rove who said much to the same effect about Obama not that long ago. However the real reason for the email was not to tell me something I had already seen on Fox News and CNN, but to ask for a 5 dollar donation that would be matched making my total donation 10 dollars. I thought as I read this email that I just heard Obama's campaign had made 66 million in one month if I am not mistaken. John McCain's campaign only made a measly 47 million by comparison. So I ask, why would I want to give 5 of my hard earned dollars to either of these two gentlemen who seem to have no problem raking in the dough for their campaigns. I don't even donate to charities that help kids with cancer anymore because money is so tight. If either of these two individuals would like my vote maybe they should send me information about their plans to make the economy better, health care, the war on terror, or any other of a number of issues facing this great nation today. Instead I am assaulted by their constant name calling and character bashing that they both resort to while each claiming that they are following the high road and not resorting to dirty politics. Is there any other kind of politics, or any other type of politician for that matter. I do have to say that the choice presented this year is a little more interesting than in the past if not any better, but I still haven't been inspired to vote for either of them. I actually feel sorry for both of them because no matter which one wins they will either be not given adequate time to make the changes they are proposing or constantly called 4 more years of the same old thing. Either way, until both parties can learn to play nice and try to reach common ground nothing is ever going to get any better. There are two things in life that hold true as I close this post, Never trust a skinny cook, or a politician whose lips are moving.
That's all for now, more later...

Ode to Chief

This one is from my first boat about a time when 1 of our circuit breakers had a part go bad. If I remember correctly it was a control power transformer for a Fast Speed Reactor Coolant pump breaker. Since the part was bad we could not shut the breaker and were therefore limited in speed. Seeing as how we were trying to get somewhere in a hurry this became a big deal when we discovered the part was not carried on board. E division went to battle stations to attempt to fix this and Chief got the bright idea to make a new transformer using the old transformer core and new wire from flourescent lighting ballasts. Having no electrical engineering degree he gave it the good old college try and I recall him smoking a couple of his attempts during bench testing. I know I should not have been upset about trying to fix something, but we were getting the part in the next port and all these futile attempts were keeping everyone in the division up for long periods of time. Sleep or movies are really the only things you have to look forward to when underway and staying back in the engine room trying to help make a new transformer MacGuyver style was seriously impacting both of these events. Looking back on this all now after being a Chief myself I have a new perspective on this and can understand the pressure that was probably being applied to him to get this fixed. Anyway, I appologize to Chief now but here is the poem...

Your attributes check lists
They get us all pissed
You changed the transformer
But the relay you missed

In the troubleshooting guide
There was one step you skipped
We retested the breaker
and the damn thing still tripped

The next few days
You spent racking your brain
When you knew we were
Getting the part in Bahrain

You were wasting our time
And wasting your's too
All we're asking is that
You would just get a clue.

That's all for now more later.

Why I don't play World of Warcraft

1. Only Mr. T. can be a night elf mohawk.
2. There is no Chuck Norris race.
3. WOW conversations at work are more heated than sports pools.
4. I have a life. (I'm not an R-tard)
5. I sit in front of a computer to much at work.
6. Halo 3 is so much cooler.
7. I am cleaning my Star Wars action figures (they are not dolls dammit)
8. I am a cheap bastard and won't pay for an account.
9. There are no good stripclubs in Ironforge.
10. The name Orc Slayer 2120 was already taken.

Unapproved Navy Acronym

NUB- Affectionate term for newly reported, unqualified individuals. Non Usable Body is what it stands for however NUB's are very useful for working parties, cleaning bilges, cleaning shitters, painting anything that doesn't move, being a food service attendant, holding coffee cups, whipping posts, and providing limitless entertainment for the qualified individuals on the boat.

Don't You What Me

This one is a parody of Human Leagues "Don't You Want Me". Here is the story behind it. We were bringing on shore power in Souda Bay, Crete I believe and Parker was down in the escape trunk trying to check the connections dead and he yelled down to Jones (Stevie Six Fingers, not Fat Jones) to hand him up a fluke. Jones had this annoying twang to his voice whenever he talked and when he yelled back up "What!" it tripped Parker, who was already having a shitty day, off line. So Parker yells back, "DON'T YOU WHAT ME JONES" and just like that a song idea popped into my head. Here goes...

I was working as a 'trician in the escape trunk
When you what'ed me
I asked you for a fluke and then you answer "What"
Don't give me attitude

(Chorus)
Don't, don't you what me
It's hot inside this trunk and I am already real angry
Don't, don't you what me
'Cause the sound of your voice has got me really f***ing steamed
When I get out of this trunk
I'm gonna kick you in the junk
Just stay under that hatch now
If you don't believe me

Don't you what me Jonesey,
Don't you what me Jo-oh-oh-ones(repeat)

You were working as a 'trician in the escape trunk
When I what'ed you,
I think you are a dirtbag and I still recall
When they threw out your shoes

(Chorus)
Don't, don't you what me
It's hot inside this trunk and I am already real angry
Don't, don't you what me
'Cause the sound of your voice has got me really f***ing steamed
When I get out of this trunk
I'm gonna kick you in the junk
Just stay under that hatch now
If you don't believe me

Don't you what me Jonesey,
Don't you what me Jo-oh-oh-ones(repeat)

Tim's Song

This one is to a Green Day song, I can't remember the title but the first line is exactly the same as the real song. I also had the guys last name(2 syllables, 2nd one sounds like sock) in one of the verses but I won't put it in here to protect the guilty. I also want to add that I really like this guy personally, but at the time I wrote this parody he was getting on everyone's nerves. I think we all know someone like this.

Do you have the time
to listen to me whine,
About my job
and everyone elses too,
I am one of those
self glorifying fools,
Annoying to the bone
no doubt about it,

I always get my share of sleep,
Sometimes I think Scott is a creep
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm getting f***ed
Am I just paranoid,
Or just (insert name)

I went to my Chief
to knife my buddies,
I said their piss poor work
is bringing me down,
Then I whined some more
Chris said you little whore,
Just quit your whining
'cause it's bringing me down.

I always get my share of sleep,
Sometimes I think Scott is a creep
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm getting f***ed
Am I just paranoid,
Or just (insert name)

Breakfast

This is another one griping about the food on the '96 Deployment.

For powdered egg omelets,
I sit here and wait,
Hoping the food will be
Hotter than the plate.

I can cook eggs,
It's not that hard,
But my arteries are
From all of the lard

There are no clean forks,
I feel like a buffoon
As I sit here eating my
Omelet with a spoon.

The cooks find all of
Our comments a pain
But if the food were better
We wouldn't complain.

The french toast looks good,
I don't believe my eyes,
But then edible food
Should not be a surprise.

The juice is disgusting,
And call this a hunch,
The food probably won't
Be any better at lunch.

Guetshow's Girl

This is one from my 2nd boat about a guy and his girl from the Submarine tender in LaMadalena, Italy. I think I mispelled his name but it is pronounced Get-chow. Man she was fugly. It is to the tune of "Jesse's Girl" by Rick Springfield. Here goes, enjoy....

Guetshow's got a girl
Man is she a winner
Guess that's what you get
When you get one from the tender
And I know we're all hard up
But I cannot understand
'Cause she's supposed to be a girl
But she looks more like a man

And she's squinting those beady eyes
And she's smiling with those Shrek teeth
I just know it
And it ain't no disguise
It's not a mask she's that damn ugly

I'm glad I don't have Guetshow's girl(X3)
Where did he find a monster like that

Hey, she's not my type
That's just my opinion
But if you ask me
She looks like Satan's minion
And an image I did not need
Is now burned into my mind
'Cause Guetshow came into the room
And gave us all the thumbs up sign

And she's squinting those beady eyes
And she's smiling with those Shrek teeth
I just know it
And it ain't no disguise
It's not a mask she's that damn ugly

I'm glad I don't have Guetshow's girl(X3)
Where did he find a monster like that

Ham and Cheese

This is a poem I wrote in '95 about the cooks choice of menu items on deployment. It seemed that we had an abundance of ham and cheese since they put it out for every meal, ham and cheese omlettes, ham and cheese sandwiches, ham and cheese in potatoes, ham in just about every way you could imagine it being served and some you would not even begin to believe. I remember at the end of deployment awards ceremony the MS Chief (they are CS's now) got a NAM and we called it the NAM for Ham. Anyway, here it goes, enjoy...

Pink and greasy
Sometimes green
Like the bread
It sits between

Yellow nasty
Sticky pile
It's been there
For quite awhile

Ketchup, mustard
Dijonaise
Hide the flavor
Many ways

Breakfast, dinner
Midrats, lunch
Boy we sure did
Load a bunch

When we get home
I'll say "Dear please
Do not fix me
Ham and Cheese"

Smells Like EMC

This is a parady about an EMC I had on my first boat to the tune of "Smells like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana. Some background, this guy used to always bum smokes from everyone and in the smoke pit he would try to give everyone high fives. We called these "cool high fives" and when we would not return them he would say "Don't leave me hanging, man". Whenever he did anything he always had this crazy looking grimace on his face that sort of looked like the Joker from Batman so we called him the Joker behind his back mostly but sometimes to his face. Before he qualified EWS he was standing EO. We were going under ice so once we got there you had to be qualified BCE to sit in the box and he was not. He would not stand AEA unless he was being relieved for a smoke break. He would get relieved in the box by the AEA(who he would also bum a smoke from) and go out and smoke. When we got under ice the EO's went port and starboard(BCE remember) while his ass went off the watchbill and he went to the rack. That is the short of it and here is the song.

Don't leave me hangin' man
Hey Clark how 'bout a smoke and
While you're at it why don't you see
'bout setting salinities (followed by a bunch of oh no's like in the song)

Sorry guys now, hate to bone ya'
but I need sleep now, don't cha know
twelve hours down now, that's for starters
and then twelve more during charges
I'm a bone boy, I'm a smoker
Cool Hi five man, I'm the Joker, yeah

I'm too senior if you ask me
hey buddy do you know what I mean
I don't care what the Eng might say
I will not stand watch as AEA (oh no's again)

Sorry guys now, hate to bone ya'
but I need sleep now, don't cha know
twelve hours down now, that's for starters
and then twelve more during charges
I'm a bone boy, I'm a smoker
Cool Hi five man, I'm the Joker, yeah

That's all for now, more later.

The Your Mom song

First off, let me appologize up front if this offends anybody and if you are easily offended by mom jokes don't even bother reading this, but at the request of my one faithful reader of this blog I am going to post this song parody. It is to the tune of "Gaston" from "Beauty and the Beast"(is nothing sacred anymore). So anyway, here it goes...

Gosh it disturbs me to stand here in line,
Waiting for someone to hump.
Every guy here is waiting on your mom,
Just to stick it in her rump.
There's no gal in town as admired as her,
She's favorite to all of the guys.
Everyone's awed and inspired by her,
And it's not very hard to see why.......

No one F**ks like your mom, no one s**ks like your mom,
No one lets c*m dribble down their chin like your mom.
For there's no girl in town who's as trampy,
She's so impure what a whore,
You can ask any Tom, Dick or Stanley
and they'll tell you just why they stand outside her door.....

No one humps like your mom, no one pumps like your mom,
No one takes on football teams at once like your mom.
As a specimen yes she's intimidating
My what a gal your mom.

Give five hurahs, give twelve hip hips,
Cause we all had your mom and didn't get the drip

No one flirts like you mom, no one squirts like your mom
no one says "put it right where it hurts" like your mom
For there's no girl in town who's as slutty,
As you see she's got loving to spare,
though her boobs are a little bit saggy,
She has U.S.M.C. carved in her pubic hair.

No one mounts like your mom, tells sperm count like your mom,
No one swallows a money shot down like your mom
No she doesn't believe in expectorating
All hail the porn queen your mom.

There it is, for my one faithful reader, it is still a work in progress and still quite offensive, so again if you didn't find yourself getting a small chuckle out of this and are totally offended I humbly appologize.

Dental

Just got back from dental for my regularly scheduled cleaning. I hate that. The dental hygenist was not so bad this time. I only had to reveal the whereabouts of Jimmy Hoffa and divulge the actual test depth of a 688 class submarine before she let me out of the chair. I conviced her I knew nothing about Area 51.
Anyway,
That's all for now, more later.

Midrats

The chilli mac was chilly
and the fatty steaks were too.
The roast beast, bad at dinner
was now to tough to chew.
The soup was way to salty
the bread covered in mold
Our complaints seem way to frequent
but this shit is getting old

Their job here is food service
their motto "Aim to please"
but if all this were the truth
they'd lay off the ham and cheese
They say "if you don't like, don't eat"
They tell us save our breath
but if we didn't eat the shit
we'd surely starve to death

It baffles one to wonder
but then, who would've thunk
our only hope of good food
would be processed chicken chunks.
So even though the food here sucks
we eat it with a frown
and it's a freaking miracle
we even keep it down

Stupid Comments

One day in the box Manchowder made this comment, "So we are going 20 knots right, how many nautical miles per hour is that?"

Crash's Song

This one was from the second boat, to Papa Roach's "Last Resort" I think it is pretty self explanitory, but for some clarification, it is about a guy who went on watch in the engine room and then could not get a relief to go forward and use the head (bathroom, for you non nautical types). Enjoy.

Filled bucket up with feces
This is my last resort
Defecation, strained breathing,
Don’t give a f**k if my watch sup sees me

This is my last resort
Filled bucket up with feces I’ve reached my last resort
Defecation strained breathing,
Don’t give a f**k if my watch sup sees me
I just hope I don’t use this one for cleaning
It’s all wrong it isn’t right,
If I s**t myself tonight chances are that I might
My relief has gone to bed and I’m contemplating turtlehead

‘Cause I should’ve went then what a mistake,
Wish somebody would give a head break.
Should’ve went then what a mistake
Wish somebody would give a head break

I never realized the mess I was in
‘til it was to late Poop was about to begin
Clenchin’ buttcheeks together, not gonna win
Come colon, please keep it in
It all started when I didn’t wanna bother
Now I’m gonna s**t one way or another
Searching to find a bucket down in lower level
Finding skidmarks and chem wipes you devil

‘Cause I should’ve went then what a mistake,
Wish somebody would give a head break.
Should’ve went then what a mistake
Wish somebody would give a head break

Nothing’s alright, nothing is fine
I’m groaning and I’m grunting
I’m grunting, I’m grunting
I’m grunting, I’m grunting

That's all for now, more later.

Explanations

For anyone reading this blog, if you don't know what the heck I am talking about as far as the lingo, I use alot of Navy terms and boat slang in my song parodies and poems. If you don't get it, post a comment and I will try to explain as best as I can, but most of it can still be moderately amusing (at least I think so) even without a total understanding of the terminoligy. I doubt if to many people will read this anyway but I am having fun talking to myself.
That's all for now, more later.

Ramblings

For anyone who gives a crap this blog is nothing more than the ramblings of an 18 year Navy man who feels like sharing his take on things with the rest of the world. Alot of what I put up will be stuff I wrote when I was a young dumb 2nd class petty officer on my first boat or from my time on my second boat. Anything goes, poetry, song parodies and just useless ramblings. If anything I write offends anyone I am truly sorry, but if it makes 5 people laugh and one person cry, then it is good for crew morale. If you do find yourself reading this blog then I hope you enjoy it because this is all just done in the name of fun.
That's all for now, more later.